Relationships can reveal and teach us so much about our inner selves, but I only really understood this truth over the last few years.

With a fully developed prefrontal cortex and the ability to make better choices, breakthroughs on love and relationships were certainly bound to happen. Ironically, my most powerful ones only came about when I was single and prioritizing myself and my healing, and not even when I was in actual relationships in the past.

It was in those recent transformative years when I realized that the key to becoming a better partner is self-awareness and the commitment to inner healing. I also found that this is the best way to attract a healthy relationship for when you are finally ready, as you become more intentional about who you allow into your life.

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We all want to be loved and chosen. I grew up a hopeless romantic, so you can just imagine how much I fantasized about my “future boyfriend” after obsessing over romcoms and reading so many Nicholas Sparks books. Even up to a certain point in my early twenties, K-Dramas and K-Pop also altered my perception of romance and set unrealistic standards for my future partner.

I’m not against consuming these forms of media for entertainment, but we all know there is danger in entering actual relationships with rose-colored lenses and rigidly upholding what pop culture romanticizes.

You think everything will be easy, and that all relationships end in happily ever after. You accept destructive beliefs like finding someone who “completes” you, being a damsel in distress, and maybe even toxic masculinity. Eventually, you also fight tooth and nail to keep a relationship even if you very well know that it’s never going to work out. Worse, you lose yourself in the process, disconnect with your genuine self, and live a fragmented life.

My first few relationships were like this. Of course, I was also young and naive in those years, and was simply projecting outward and never understood my underlying issues.

I’ve had my fair share of experiences when it comes to love growing up, but it was only after a life-altering breakup at 24 that propelled me to put myself first, seek therapy, and do the inner work. I battled with thoughts and emotions that were beyond what my body could handle, and I knew I couldn’t get out of that dark abyss alone. I needed God, a therapist, and a solid support system.

It wasn’t easy, but I was committed to doing the work. I always thought, “My future self and partner will thank me for this.” It was inner work that sometimes felt alienating because I was intentionally staying single, but some people would shame or ask me why I wasn’t “putting myself out there” or even “trying to date”. I had to drown out the noise, including my inner voices of insecurity and self-doubt, and stayed focused on finding meaning and fulfillment from that season in my life. Looking back, it’s safe to say that I still wouldn’t trade those difficult years for anything else.

Honestly, after 2 years of prioritizing my personal healing, I felt like my next relationship would be a piece of cake. I thought it would all be so effortless and perfect for when I finally meet someone who was also on the same page.

God, however, had different plans. I entered a new relationship but still struggled after what seemed like an arduous battle against myself years prior. It was in these moments when I felt extremely humbled, and was reminded of the work that God is still completing in me.

This was also when I genuinely understood that healing is never linear.

It started out so serendipitous, easy, and euphoric—as all relationships do, but when things became a bit more serious, a lot of my wounds started resurfacing and I was slowly falling back into my old and toxic patterns.

I learned that there are still so many aspects of my past that I needed to heal from. I was also encouraged to be kinder and more forgiving with myself, and to be very honest with my thoughts and feelings, especially with my partner.

I’m just very blessed to have someone who understands the journey I am in, and is also in the process of trying to be a better person—not for anyone else but for himself. I also think it’s so important to be with someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable, can acknowledge their weaknesses, and has the same commitment to make the relationship work.

It’s actually quite interesting how in the first few months of dating, you only show each other your best and most favorable selves, but when you reach the point of wanting to nurture and deepen the relationship, you have no choice but to be vulnerable and to reveal your demons and your ugliest sides.

Maybe it’s about being with someone who never judges and continues to see you as a work in progress, but still loves you regardless.

When you both understand that you’re not responsible for each other’s healing, you create that safe space for growth and a healthy dynamic. You both work on your own issues and simply come together as better versions of yourselves every single day. You don’t expect to fill each other’s cup, but learn to effectively communicate your needs, and commit to adding joy and love into each other’s lives.

They say love is the strongest of all emotions. When you love, you open yourself up to immense joy and excitement, but you also become more vulnerable to disappointment and pain. That’s the risk we all have to take when we love, knowing as well that no relationship is ever perfect.

Mine is definitely far from that, but here’s what I think matters most—healing together, creating safe spaces for each other, cultivating each other’s growth, and holding each other’s hand through all the joys and heartbreaks.

My prayer is that all the single ladies and gentlemen reading this entry will continue to encounter personal breakthroughs about your patterns and your past. I pray that you commit to inner healing even when it’s difficult, so that when the time comes, you and your future partner will thank yourselves for putting a premium on your own needs and identities.

For the couples, I’m sincerely rooting for all of you and pray for warmth, safety, honesty, and healing in your relationships. It’s such a beautiful thing to love and be loved in return, and I hope that you don’t ever take that for granted. ❤