Lately I’ve been reminded that healing is never linear. I feel like the world doesn’t really talk about how intentional inner work is a lifelong journey, and how self-discovery and growth is forever. We never just heal from our issues in a snap of finger, and there’s always something new to learn and uncover about ourselves. The reality is—even when we think we’ve done the work, sometimes we wake up one day and feel like we’re back to square one.

This has been the theme of my last few months. Just when I thought I’ve unlearned a destructive belief system, it comes back and manifests in another aspect of my life. I would feel so disheartened sometimes and think, “When am I ever gonna get past these issues?” The grueling and painful work would suddenly seem futile because I’d catch myself in another season of struggle and distress.

For me, it has so much to do with my perfectionism and performance mindset. These things have shaped me since childhood, and I was again reminded of how they can never just instantly go away. While I now have a better awareness of how these have shaped my perspective and worldview and have also been making a conscious effort to unlearn them, the past few months revealed new layers of this deep-rooted thinking and encouraged me to see my journey in a new light.

It’s clear to me that I tried so hard to be perfect because it was the only way I knew how to survive—to perform, to achieve, and to not make mistakes. I thought the only way I could get the love and validation that my soul deeply needed was to set unrealistic standards for myself and to perform. By now I know that it may have worked for a while, but it’s also led to anxiety and what felt like a perpetual exhaustion.

What comes with the perfectionism is the need to take control. It’s seeing the world as black or white, having that polarized thinking where things are only perfectly good or perfectly bad. It’s making sure every situation is calculated and prepared for, so as not to shake the boat or deal with pain, discomfort, and uncertainty.

I still remember talking about these issues in therapy over and over and over again in the last few months until I finally reached a breakthrough. It didn’t come easy, but I just wanted to do at least one simple thing that could possibly help me with my perfectionism and need to take control.

I found that maybe the best first step is to learn to let go and let things be. It didn’t have to be the big things right away, so at the start I was just letting go of hiccups at work, petty misunderstandings with my boyfriend, or cancelled plans with friends.

Somehow, as I was intentionally practicing this act of “letting go” and saw it positively affect my day to day, I felt a lot less anxious and a lot more present. It was a kind of peace that made me think, “This could not possibly just happen overnight.”

Maybe it was because I was recently in a deep reflective mood approaching my birthday, but only then did I realize that my “profound peace” was actually the compounded result of the inner work I’ve been doing over the last 3 years.

It may have felt like I was regressing and going back to the very beginning, but maybe I was actually just stumbling and learning to pick myself up this whole time. I was too focused on where I was supposed to go, not realizing how far I’ve already come. I may have fallen a couple of times, but I would always just dust off my shoes and keep walking.

That actually made me realize how tough I’ve been on myself even when it comes to my own healing, and that I should also celebrate my wins—no matter how small. Progress is progress and every single day is a step towards growth, even if I simply show up.

The act of letting go led to immense breakthroughs and realizations for me. I first learned to accept my humanity and find beauty in my imperfection. I thought, “Wow, there’s actually strength in admitting your weaknesses and learning to say you can’t do it.”

Letting go also taught me to slowly embrace my insecurities. I’ve been more accepting of my appearance and quirks that make me, me. I’ve put on less makeup and don’t look at the mirror so often. What I see on social media hasn’t been affecting me so much anymore too. Even if I still get jealous or compare, I noticed that I’ve been a lot more forgiving and compassionate with myself.

It’s a season of letting things be—letting relationships run their course, letting mistakes become mistakes and simply learning from them, letting people love you for who you are and accepting that love without working for it or trying too hard, and letting God unfold His plans without taking too much control over everything.

With letting go, I’ve also felt a kind of gratitude that is so immensely overwhelming. I’m grateful for the people who have held my hand and who have been so patient with me. I’m grateful for all the circumstances no matter how uncomfortable they may be, because they’ve led me to this point in my journey. But I’m ultimately grateful to God for pulling me out of my dark abyss and showing me what real love, patience, and compassion is. It’s the kind of love I wish to give to my own self and the people closest to my heart.

We all have our dark seasons and cycles, but what has really helped me is bringing them to light no matter how agonizing. This could mean being vulnerable to a safe person, coming face to face with your demons, or admitting the fact that you need help. It’s an ugly and uncomfortable process, but that’s when you know you’re doing the real work.

At the end of the day, we’re all human. We all need saving. We’re always healing, and we’ll never be perfect. As I approach my 27th birthday, I want to hone in on my humanity, find beauty and joy in my brokenness, and find peace in the fact that I am always a work in progress.