This has got to be my most controversial title yet. To be honest, I had to muster up the courage to reveal such an undesirable part of me, but from all the conversations I had with my peers who also struggle with people-pleasing, I know this is worth bringing to light and exposing my vulnerability for.

I’m definitely no expert, and these lessons are simply the ones I’ve gathered up over the last few years of coming to terms and healing from my own people-pleasing. It’s not to shame or bring down people-pleasers, but to hopefully remind them that they’re not alone, there is hope, and we can take these small steps to heal. ❤

1. It’s not your fault

People-pleasing isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a product of years and years of programming from our core experiences in childhood that have dramatically shaped the way we think and perceive reality. For me, it was my way of surviving and protecting myself from the world—from my fear of rejection, neglect, and failure.

It honestly took a while for me to come to terms with the fact that I grew up prioritizing other people’s needs over mine. Therapy helped me uncover the reasons why I had learned this behaviour, which in turn helped me offer myself more compassion and grace.

We all have different reasons as to why we ended up here, but one thing is for sure—it’s never our fault. There are a lot of steps we can take to slowly heal and this time, put ourselves first.

2. You can say no

It’s so much easier said than done, but this really helped me feel more confident and empowered. You barely heard me say “No” in the past. I was always game to hang out, agreed to anything even if I actually didn’t, and forced myself to participate or do things even if I wasn’t really comfortable.

The truth about finally learning to say no, though, is that you end up losing people who won’t understand your boundaries. Sometimes you just inevitably drift apart because you stopped trying to force things to happen. You’ll be surprised at how many of your connections were so superficial, and you only kept them because of your need to feel loved and accepted by everyone. This can sound harsh, but can also be so liberating when you finally set yourself free from relationships that aren’t safe or healthy.

3. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions

Another product of my people-pleasing is being highly attuned to other people’s emotions. I would become hyper-aware of the people around me, and would get distressed at the slightest change in tone or behaviour. I try my best to keep peace and order in my environment, and not shake the boat.

This was very difficult for me to unlearn, and I’m still in the process of trying to separate other people’s emotions from mine. I have to constantly remind myself that I can still empathize and hold space for others while staying true to how I feel and only being responsible for my own emotions.

Another sad truth is that people-pleasers, at least from what I’ve gathered from a few friends, have the tendency to “fix” and appease others for the sake of keeping things under control or even making themselves feel better. When we become more aware and heal from this, I believe we could offer more genuine empathy and truly be there for the people we love when they need us the most.

4. Don’t take things too personally

This is closely related to my previous point. When other people show negative emotion, no matter how faint or intense, I almost always perceive it as an attack. I don’t want to disappoint anyone so I always feel so affected at even the slightest change in the way they speak or behave around me.

It’s really a conscious effort to remind myself that what other people say and how they act or behave are never reflections of my identity, even if they project at me. The struggle is so real, but I want to give myself love and credit for always trying to be better every time this happens.

Pausing is a tool that has greatly helped me with this. For instance, when I feel discomfort from when someone says something to me in a different tone, I pause and acknowledge the emotions stirring up in me and really question if what they said or did was an attack (i.e. “Are they really angry? Aren’t they just being firm and clear with what they want?”).

This way we can question our thoughts and stop ourselves from overthinking and spiraling. It also helps to speak truth to ourselves—“I can’t stop myself from disappointing other people, but I can always do better.”

5. Show up for yourself

I think this is the first step to healing, especially for us who’ve gotten so used to neglecting ourselves for other people. One simple but intentional practice that really helped with this was learning to acknowledge my own emotions. When we take time to sit down and hold space for ourselves, especially when we feel discomfort, we become more attuned and secure. We no longer expect other people to soothe us because we’ve learned to regulate and take agency for our own emotions. Doesn’t that sound so empowering?

I also realized that showing up for myself means I can show up better for others, especially the people I love. If you really think about it, the best thing we can do for them is to learn to put ourselves first.

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Again, I’m also still in the process of healing from my people-pleasing, but I always want to celebrate my wins no matter how little. Self-compassion plays such an important role throughout this journey because there will be inevitable moments of falling back to our old patterns. What’s important is how we pick ourselves up and try again.

At the end of the day, we’re all still growing and learning. I’m grateful for those who continue to be patient with me—those special people in my life who always offer grace and never judgement. We all need these people because they not only help us heal, but they also inspire us to be better.

To my fellow people-pleasers, I hope you won’t be ashamed of this facet of your identity. It is simply a learned behaviour and does not define who you are. I also want to remind and empower you with the fact that the love and validation we try so hard to obtain from other people, we can actually get from our own selves. You are not alone, and like I always say, there is hope and healing.

I pray that you will find the tools and people that will help you become more secure in your identity. ❤

With love,

Your fellow people-pleaser Trish