My theme lately has been about acknowledging and dismantling shame. For a while, I was caught up in situations and interpersonal conflicts that elicited strong uncomfortable emotions, and that made me react in ways that were detrimental to myself and my relationships. Despite feeling so heavy and crushed, I tried to remain curious about my responses, and eventually discovered the painful truth about shame.

In the thick of the discomfort, some of my default reactions would be to self-criticize, overthink, act defensive, and even pity myself. This becomes a trap and an endless loop in my head that stops me from taking action or accountability.

I wanted to understand and get to the bottom of these responses by asking myself questions like “What narrative am I telling myself here?”, or “How do I see myself right now?”. After what seemed to be such a painful and arduous process, I discovered that the root of it all is, you guessed it, shame. I found that my whole life, this constant but very subtle emotion has dictated most of my thoughts and decisions—ultimately affecting my self-image and self-worth.

Shame would whisper lies and make us respond in ways that will lead to our downfall. Are you familiar with its voice?

• Shame is self-critical:“See what you did? You messed up again. Why can’t you do something right for once?”
• Shame is judgmental: “They must think you are pathetic. You should overcompensate.”
• Shame is a perfectionist: “If you are not perfect, then you are worthless.”
• Shame is hopeless: “There’s no point in trying. Nothing you do will change anything.“

Shame made me resort to people pleasing, perfectionism, and even entitlement. It’s because of shame that I’ve been so concerned about what other people say or think about me. It’s because of shame that I’ve been afraid to make mistakes. It’s because of shame that I’ve even resorted to thinking highly of myself, even in the subtlest most discreet ways.

This has been my personal experience, but for other people, it can even show up as anger, arrogance, and extreme pride. Some people find it easier to buff up their egos and pretend they know everything when they feel ashamed. Conversely, some people numb and isolate themselves when the weight of shame is too much to take.

This emotion can dictate so many of our unpleasant behaviours because it’s something that’s difficult to face head on. Most of us don’t find it natural to admit when we feel ashamed. Covering it up could be an easy solution, but I learned that if we don’t courageously come face to face with our shame, it ill always find a way to creep back and ruin us.

My counselor told me something in relation to this that really stuck. She said, “If there’s one thing that you should be feisty and ruthless about, it’s towards your shame.”

With all of that said, I learned that the first step to shunning shame is to be firm and confident in who we are. How can we rebuke all the lies when we don’t know the truth? How can we stop shame from attacking our identities when we don’t even know our true selves?

I used to attach my identity to people, places, and the standards of this world, and when things didn’t work out, shame would be the first to whisper lies at me. I would be so shaken and would resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I would let my relationships suffer, and even developed a sense of entitlement.

It was only when I understood my true identity as God’s child that made it a lot easier for me to shun my shame. When I learned that I am secure, loved, and free from condemnation through Jesus, it was easier for me to distinguish the lies from the truth.

There is an enemy who will try to kill, steal, and destroy our true identities and loves to see us suffer and live in shame. I’ve personally made a decision to not allow that to happen anymore when I accepted Jesus. I want to be free from the lies that I’ve learned to live with my whole life, and to ruthlessly shun them with the truth of God’s Word.

• Shame will tell me that I am worthless, but God says that I am chosen and worthy of His love.
• Shame will tell me that I have to be perfect to please others, but God says I can be secure in who He created me to be, even with all my flaws and imperfections.
• Shame will tell me that I will never measure up to the standards of the world, but God says that I am not of this world.

On a more practical sense, I found that there are also healthier ways to cope with shame. Acknowledging it is the first step. Sometimes it’s hard to see that it’s actually shame manifesting in our thoughts and actions, but self-reflection and getting curious about our reactions can go a long way.

When we know and accept who we are, and acknowledge our humanity, we can shun the voice of shame and no longer let it hold us captive. Instead, we can respond with self-compassion and growth.

Shame is a common human experience, and I hope we are all kind and respectful of each other when it comes to dealing with our own shame. If anything, I hope we get to talk about it more, bring it to light, and diminish its power over our lives. We were not meant to live in shame. We have an identity that is only dictated by our Creator, and that identity will set us free.

P.S. I’m back after a long hiatus, but I’m feeling very refreshed and excited about this new entry. I see that a lot of you are still reading my content despite me being silent for so long, and I want to take this time to thank and appreciate you all for supporting my blog.

I’ve had moments of questioning whether this is still worth pursuing, but all your messages and kind words have helped me decide to continue. Thank you for always bringing me back to the main reason why I even started this—to foster meaningful conversations about inner work, healing, and mental health.