I’ve been dealing with a discomfort I couldn’t seem to shake off. I haven’t been feeling like myself—like I’m just going through the motions and living on auto-pilot—working through my day job, meeting my friends, going to church, repeat.

When this happens, I usually know in my head that I have an internal conflict waiting to be addressed, but I also catch myself running away and avoiding it. While it’s terribly uncomfortable and grueling to come face to face with the war inside of me, it’s also extremely exhausting to keep living in pretend—that I have everything together, that everything’s fine.

I know I have to stop faking it and to just be completely honest with myself, but when life gets too busy, it’s always easier to just sweep all feelings under the rug and keep everything under control. Unfortunately, when something triggering happens, we reach our breaking point, lose that illusion of control, and realize it’s too late. That’s exactly what happened to me.

Thankfully this Holy Week, I was finally able to sit with myself and deal with this burden I’ve been carrying for a while. I went to therapy and the first thing I said was, “I’m burned out.”

I came to this honest realization because I know I’ve been saying “Yes” to anything and everything lately. I’ve also been resenting myself for this, because my truthful choice is to say “No”, but I still say “Yes” because of my need to be liked and favored. My boundaries have been so shaky and I’ve again been trying to preserve a “good” image to the people I work with, my friends, and basically everyone around me. I’ve been so careful to not disappoint the world again.

I say “again” because this is not new to me. As a recovering people-pleaser, I know very well that this is my soul’s deep-seated wound. It’s very subtle how this creeps up in my day to day life, and when I don’t check in on my heart and my intentions, I’m illusioned by self-righteousness and self-preservation.

I’ve arrived at this painful truth about my life that was very difficult to admit—that we people-please to simply feed our egos. We want to look good and we want to be above others. We want to be applauded, admired, and validated. I mean, who doesn’t? All of this feels nice and when we get a taste of it, we desire for more.

However, here’s what I think—living for the praise of man can temporarily feel good, but it is also the most exhausting and the most insincere way to live. When we project a false self for the world, we mask our true identities and we battle a war inside of us every single day. We feed our egos, but our souls thirst for what truly matters in life—true purpose, true relationships, and true freedom.

Personally, I realized that my ego has been holding me back from stepping out into who God calls me to be. My whole life, I’ve been trying to fill the void in my soul with praises from the world, hoping that it would make me feel seen and valued. My purpose was to prove to the world that I was worthy, but this led to extreme burnout and defeat. I thought I could do it all on my own, my ego said so, but life shoved my face to the ground and showed me how cruel the world can still be even when I try my best to pursue its treasures. My efforts to preserve my status, social media persona, and public image were all futile.

For so long I tried searching for the truth, the true meaning and purpose of my life, and I write this is as a testimony—that it was only through Jesus that I found it. When I encountered Him, I realized that His plans for me are completely different and way better than what the world could offer. That only in life with Him can I truly experience joy, peace, and freedom—far from what the world deems as good with all the riches, fame, and power it can give.

I know He is calling me to live a meaningful life—stepping into roles that give Him all the glory and honor, and not to my own self. I couldn’t do this if I remain selfish and just want to get all the praise for myself. I couldn’t experience the real freedom He is offering me when I’m held back by my own self-agenda.

I know this deep in my heart and I want to follow God’s will for me, but the road to healing from the past is definitely not easy. It’s indeed an ongoing and a seemingly never-ending process, but I know it is worth it. Thank God He is very patient with us, and that every single day we still get to experience His love and grace. We still get to breathe and enjoy pleasures in life, even when we can be selfish and egotistic.

The reality check for me is this—why do we so deeply long to be loved and praised by the world when the only praise that matters is that of the one who created us and breathed life into our lungs?

Good news: You and I have a choice. To break free from the chains of the world is to die to our egos and selves, and I think it could start with the small choices we make every single day. One practical thing I found that’s been very useful is to learn to pause.

First, we can pause before making decisions. When an invitation comes up, we can get in touch with how we truly feel instead of immediately saying “Yes” just to make ourselves look good and accommodating. An invitation is not a demand. We deny our selves when we realize that we are limited human beings and can’t say “Yes” to everything.

Second, we can pause to check in on our true intentions. Am I simply doing this to make myself look good? Am I doing this for my own self-agenda? If yes, then my heart must not be in the right place and this could lead to my burnout or worse, my downfall.

The truth is, no one is better than anyone. We are all equally broken and sinful, and when we realize that, we learn to set our eyes on the One who knows what’s truly best for us. It then becomes much easier to live in daily surrender to His good and perfect will, but again, it’s only when we learn to deny our egos and selves.

In the season of Holy Week, I think this message is most fitting. We are nothing without the cross. We are all broken and wretched people separated from our Creator because of sin and the brokenness of this world. No one in this world is righteous, not one. We were meant to live a life of freedom but we chose the world and we chose ourselves.

What Jesus did on the cross is the one true ultimate act of humility—to suffer and carry all our sin so we could all have true freedom and life. He lived a life we should’ve lived, and died a death we should’ve died. He humbled himself and did not consider himself God, so you and I can experience fullness of life. Who are we to not deny our egos and selves?

There is one invitation that the only answer to is a “Yes”, and that is the invitation to deny our selves, carry our crosses, and follow Jesus. I don’t know how that looks like for you and I don’t know what your life looks like right now, but I do know that this invitation is always going to be available to you. Whether you don’t know God or already have a relationship with Him, your daily “Yes” to Him will either make or break how you live your life.

Maybe it all boils down to one thing we can ask ourselves today before Resurrection Sunday—who am I really living for? Am I living for the praise of the world or for the praise of God? Am I seeking my own self-agenda or the true purpose of God for my life?