Dear future Trish,

I just turned 30 a few days ago. It wasn’t exactly how I imagined entering this new decade, and I’m writing this to you in the thick of the wilderness, somehow going around in circles and simply hanging by a thread. This is an attempt at looking beyond my reality, knowing there is a future you who will reap the rewards of my present choices and will hopefully be proud of how I’m handling this season. I’m crawling, fighting, and steadfastly holding on to the Lord as much as I can for the both of us, Trish.

I can imagine you speaking to me now and saying “Trust me, you will be okay”, but it really still feels like the tides have completely turned and I’m still struggling to reach the surface or catch even just a breath of air. Will I really be okay, Trish? Will I really get past this?

I wonder how you’re doing. If by this time you’re already 40, I wonder if God is already fulfilling your deepest desires to have a beautiful family, a loving husband, children you can pour your heart to, peace in your soul, and living out God’s calling for your life that truly gives you joy and purpose. These have long been your deepest desires, right? Are you there yet? But even if you’re not, I hope you are content. I hope you are experiencing fullness of life from the Lord every day, because you very well know by now that only He can fill the void in your heart that you’ve been trying to fill with love and validation from the world and other people.

On my 30th birthday, I actually asked myself how I want to be remembered when I die. I know, it sounds morbid, but these are questions I thought are necessary to ask at this point. I wonder if these will still hold true when you read this in the future, but for now this is what I’ve been reflecting on—

When I die, I want to be remembered as someone who loved fearlessly, steadfast in her faith in God, unashamed of her brokenness and past, brave to come face to face with her humanity, humble to own up to her sins and inadequacies, and used her gifts, especially her words and her voice, to bring people to the light.

How we’ll get there, we’ll see. Only God knows and will lead me there, but I want to live every single day moving forward with this in mind. I want to honor God with this short and fleeting time He has given me here on earth, and I really hope that as you read this you are still running the race, living out your divine purpose, and making an impact in this broken world.

But I also thought, how are you remembering me, Trish? It helps to get a perspective on how we want others to remember us, but maybe it’s equally important how we also see and remember our own selves. How are you remembering this 30-year old version of yourself, Trish?

Well, I really hope you’ll remember her for her strength. I hope you will remember that she still chose to get up everyday and show up even when her whole world was crumbling and the ache in her heart was too much to bear. I hope you will remember her for the love that she so fearlessly gave even when it already hurt. I hope you will remember her for choosing to hope and keep her eyes on the Lord, the only One who will never fail or forsake her forever. How she still stayed faithful to obey Him even when it was so difficult. I hope you will remember her for still choosing to dream and hope for a future that is better than her current circumstances. I hope you will remember her for bravely coming face to face with her pain and did not run away. How she kept her eyes on God and His promises even when it was much easier to run back to what was familiar—habits, beliefs, and people. Finally, I hope you’ll remember her for the grace and mercy she extended herself and the people around her, and how that’s only possible with the Lord because it’s what she has been receiving from Him every single day even if she doesn’t deserve it.

I hope you will also remember all the lessons you’ve learned leading up to your 30th year in this world.

That beauty is found in your character, and never in your physical appearance. True beauty is found in the depths of your heart. Your worth is never attached to how you look and are perceived by others, but is in the goodness, strength, and beauty of your heart. You are beautiful, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. Hold close and appreciate the ones who truly value you, love you for who you are, and see your real worth. Proverbs 31:30 – “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.“

That nothing is ever certain and permanent in this world except for the God who loves you and holds your life together. Faith is never about what you can see, but is in trusting in the bigness and the character of your God. He is bigger than literally anything. Seasons come and go, people will change, and you will never know what tomorrow brings, but if you set your eyes on eternity and seek Him above all, then all else follows and you will be okay. Isaiah 40:8 “The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.”

That only in your deepest moments of suffering and pain can you experience the fullness and depth of God’s love, peace, and redemption. Only in your lowest of lows are you able to experience real growth and maturity. Right in the thick of suffering can God truly work on our characters and teach us to become better people, but only if we also make the brave choice to face our demons head-on and overcome them in healthy ways. Escape is cowardice, and having the courage to confront your pain is real strength. Please continue to choose the latter. James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

That you are never alone. It’s a lie from the enemy that you’re better off isolating and not involving other people in your life, especially in suffering. God is with you, and He sends the right people who can truly hold space for you and lead you back to the right path when you’ve gone astray. Your community is so important. Surround yourself with people who speak life to you, point you to Jesus, and encourage you to keep going. It’s pointless surrounding yourself with people who simply talk about themselves, gossip about other people, and only care about worldly things. You have the choice to protect your boundaries and only allow what is pure and honorable. Eclessiastes 4:9-11: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

That nothing in this world can ever satisfy the deepest longings of your soul. Your identity does not lie in your wealth, achievements, relationships, and status. You won’t take these with you when you die. That’s just the truth. Your identity and worth is in your Creator, and the one you will spend eternity with. You are not defined by what happened to you and how others see you. So focus on the things that truly matter. Focus on your purpose, your calling, on being light to other people. Focus on your character and your heart. 2 Corinthians 4:18: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.“

Trish, I pray that you are seeing better days and that you are proud of the woman you are today as you read this. I pray that you will look back at the start of your 30th year with gratitude and peace. You are a product of years and years of breaking, unlearning, and suffering, but you’ve continuously grown into the person you were really created to be. Thank you for your courage, for your heart, and for choosing better in this life. Thank you for choosing God over everything. You are making the right choices and are on the right path. I pray you will continue to have the courage and strength to keep going.

I love you,
Your 30-year old self