This may be a little different from the topics I usually explore on this blog, but I couldn’t stay silent about something that has kept me feeling deeply heartbroken and frankly, livid. I seethe at the reality of people being blinded by their own selves and live untruthful lives—in my own experiences, in the stories of my friends, and in what I see in society. I feel so strongly about this because I struggled with it in the past and still do in the present, especially when I isolate, ruminate in my own thoughts and emotions, or when I don’t allow people to truly hold me accountable for my harmful choices and my unhealthy mindsets. It breaks my heart to see people fall captive to self-deception because I know how destructive it could be, and it keeps us from truly living free and authentic lives. It also damages our relationships and turns us into ticking time bombs, causing harm and distress to the people around us. I feel the urgency to talk about this more than ever, so I hope you’ll indulge me.
Let me get straight to the point—the most destructive form of deception is self-deception. It’s a ravenous snake that subtly creeps into our minds and hearts. It’s so tricky because almost always we never truly recognize it. Our minds are so good at creating explanations that help protect ourselves from any threat. It always feels “right” and “reasonable” because it does serve a purpose—whether that be protecting ourselves, preserving our egos and sense of control, or avoiding pain and responsibility. We rationalize what we want to believe because it’s more comfortable that way instead of facing the truth of our reality and coming face to face with our fears and conflicting beliefs.
What I also really want to point out is that we all have blind spots—but if we deliberately make ourselves believe in something just to avoid accountability, protect our pride, control outcomes, then maybe that’s where the real problem is. We have to be completely honest with ourselves and question the beliefs we try so hard to maintain. We have to accept the fact that on our own, we could be making deliberate choices that would lead to harmful consequences to ourselves and the people we love.
I realized that self-deception usually leads to either self-preservation or self-destruction. I’ve personally experienced both. I’ve been very open about my inner battles especially when it comes to control, perfectionism, and people-pleasing, and I realized that these are all self-preserving ways to protect myself. It just looks acceptable in society because I can get away with being “Type A”, “productive”, and someone who “always has it together”, but the truth is that I’m simply hiding from my fears of criticism, failure, and rejection. These are the things I struggle with everyday as an adult and they manifest in so many different ways, but just to show a contrast, when I was younger, I also dealt with self-deception on the opposite end of the spectrum—the kind that lead to self-destruction.
I lived a completely different life away from home a couple of years ago, and I deceived myself into believing that alcohol, drugs, partying, and all sorts of escape would satisfy my soul. Truth be told, I still suffer the consequences of my destructive choices to this day, especially in my body. I was diagnosed with gastritis (inflammation of the stomach lining) and I know for sure that it’s a consequence of the things I inflicted in my body back when I didn’t have a care in the world. Trigger warning: I didn’t only drink so much before, I would purge every single time I came home drunk because it alleviated my hangover the next day. Boy, I was always purging. Unfortunately, because of all of that, I could no longer eat all the food I want and crave for to this day, and I always have to be careful with the timing of my meals. This was just one of the ways self-deception lead to self-destruction for me.
Other than the fact that my prefrontal cortex was underdeveloped, I realized in retrospect that I was also running away from the real fear of not being able to fit in, or “live my life to the fullest”. It was self-deception coming from my identity issues and being unaware of what I truly valued in life. Thank you Jesus that He rescued me from that pit and gave me new and deeper purpose.
Just very recently, I’ve also been dealing with destructive mindsets that have caused me to isolate, self-deprecate, and honestly, self-destruct. I was ruminating on the idea that I was unworthy, worthless, and a piece of garbage. I believed that all the painful things happening to me defined my identity and my worth. I deeply internalized all the harm that was caused me, and believed that it reflects who I am as a person. It was, and honestly still is, a very dark time, but I’m grateful for the strength God has given me to at least show up in therapy and open up to my most trusted friends. God’s Word and the people I trust continuously ground me in the truth of who I am, and while it’s an uphill battle, I continue to fight these voices and demons in my head shattering my identity and sense of self. Beneath it all, I know I’m simply afraid to face the truth of my reality, and afraid to experience even deeper pain and suffering. I know it’s really my way of protecting myself, but I was also already losing myself in the process and falling deeper and deeper into the dark abyss.
All that to say, I realized that self-deception can manifest in opposite ways while serving the same underlying purpose—to protect ourselves from something we’re afraid to face.
I have a couple of questions that might help us understand and uncover self-deception. Where do you get most defensive? What do you overexplain? Because maybe if we start being honest with ourselves about the things that trigger us and that we over rationalize, we can uncover the underlying fears that are hard for us to truly acknowledge. Our strongest reactions always point to something deeper.
Where are you trying to maintain a sense of control? What happens when you lose your grip? Are you simply trying to create a sense of safety by controlling outcomes that were never truly yours to control? Maybe this is also where real trust and surrender comes in. Only God, the Creator of heaven and earth is ever in control of everything in our lives and in the world, but we also always have a choice. Even if we’re caught in painful, life-shattering situations, we can always choose kindness, forgiveness, and hope. Even when everything seems to crumble and we’ve reached rock bottom, there is power in choosing what is good and honorable. Even when everything feels so unfair and you feel so much injustice because of other people’s choices and actions, we can still choose to turn the other cheek and ask God to fight for us. I’m preaching this to myself too.
What do you keep telling yourself to justify your choices? Are these beliefs helping you see things better or are you just avoiding truths and discomforts you’re not ready to face? If you catch yourself making excuses for the choices that you make even when you already see them bring more harm than good, I hope you’ll come to the realization that you’re simply deceiving yourself and the people around you. We cannot keep tolerating choices stemming from ego, pride, greed, and escape. They almost always lead to the demise not just of every individual, but more so the people around them. Look at the leaders in our country. Need I say more?
Where are you running to for comfort and relief? What do you turn to when life feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or overwhelming? Is it genuinely helping you process what you’re feeling or is it just giving you temporary relief from something you eventually need to confront? We can’t keep running away forever and numbing ourselves to forget that we have real issues and problems to face.
To whoever is reading this, I pray that we learn to be completely honest with ourselves and to stop running away from our fears and discomforts. Yes, I know it’s difficult, yes I know it’s painful, yes I know it’s so much easier to escape—trust me, I know. But only the truth about ourselves and our realities can set us all free. I believe each one of us can build the capacity to deal with our most uncomfortable emotions, one brave step at a time. I believe real growth and maturity can only happen when we learn to name and deal with the uncomfortable truths in our lives, especially when it comes to shame, insecurity, and fear. You are not alone, and I’m here to remind you that you are making the better choice that will lead to fullness of life when you become truly honest with yourself. I pray that slowly, we teach ourselves and eventually our peers practice healthier ways of dealing with discomfort, so we can also pick each other up and hold better space for each other. What a better world that would be.
Also, therapy really helps. If you’ve been tired of running away from yourself, feeling like you’re stuck in unhealthy and destructive patterns and mindsets, I pray you will find the courage to ask for help and make the brave and life-changing choice to go to therapy or counseling. I have long been an advocate for it ever since I took the leap 5 years ago. Therapy still helps me process my emotions better, ground myself in the truth, and understand who I really am up to this day.
Another thing that I really want to bring up is the need for accountability within our circle of friends and community. It really breaks my heart to see people feeding each other’s egos, pride, and delusions, and collectively deceive themselves. We need to surround ourselves with people who will tell us the truth, especially when it hurts and we don’t want to listen. We need people who will correct us and lead us to healthier ways of coping and dealing with discomfort. We need people and perspectives that will challenge us and not just tolerate us! We need authority who will point out our lapses and blindspots, and who will rebuke us with love and genuine care for our well-being.
I stumbled upon a video of a Nigerian pastor talking about the danger of self-deception and he said, “We can never progress in life and in destiny if we are not brutally honest with ourselves.” If we hope for real growth, healing, and restoration; joy, peace, and deeper purpose, then we should stop lying to ourselves and come face to face with who we really are. You can’t heal it if you don’t feel and name it. Stop running away. You were created for far greater things, and you wouldn’t want your own self become the stumbling block to the future God has prepared for you. I say this to you with so much love and compassion—please stop lying to yourself. I pray we’ll all learn to understand ourselves better, see ourselves clearly, take responsibility for what we see, and respond to ourselves with grace and compassion.
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV): “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
James 1:22 (TPT): “Don’t just listen to the Word of Truth and not respond to it, for that is the essence of self-deception. So always let his Word become like poetry written and fulfilled by your life!”
James 1:22 (ESV): “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”
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